Well, when I said that would be doing other parts to my "Growth Spurts" series, this next topic was not what I envisioned. Life has a way of doing that, though. As I'm developing this blog, I want to make it a work of honesty. I hope that it can help any of you in similar instances, or at least, you can connect and know that others have similar experiences.
So, tonight's topic is very hard for me to write, but I believe it will help me get through this difficult time. I'm an artist at heart, so writing while listening to music only makes sense to me, especially in dealing with matters of the heart.
As a progressive, young lady growing up with a substantially physical disability, independence has been drilled in me since I can remember. I'm not saying this is the wrong thing to do. I'm thankful, as it is why I've had the opportunities I've had. There is a downfall to it, though. It makes it hard to let people in. Like I've said before, I'm blessed with a great family and an abundance of friends. Unfortunately, there is only a handful of them that I can comfortably let all the way in. I'm aware of the fact that I'm perceived vulnerable to most of the world, and I subconsciously fight that perception. As some friends know, my automatic response is "I got it." Some have tried getting through to me, saying, "You don't always have to have it." I feel like I do, though. If I take care of things, I know I'm safe. If things are taken care of, I can help others.
It isn't good to always handle things solo. As I've entered this year with plans for expanding myself, this was one that caught me off-guard. I met somebody at a conference who was unlike many that have been close to me. Before I knew it, he had gotten past the walls I have. He questioned my way of thinking, doing things and made me feel unlike I ever had. The months passed with a continued growth of me, and a feeling of self-assurance and openness that I never knew had overcome me. I had a comfort in knowing I had that support that truly accepted me. Unfortunately, old habits die hard. Through miscommunication and my overthinking kicking into overdrive, I pushed this person away. There was no wrongdoing on his end. I can be my own worst enemy. I know all of my weak spots, and how I can take myself down. I'm so mad at myself for allowing the old habits to sneak back into control. I refuse to allow it to end my progress, though. I'm hopeful that with time and my sincerest apologies, that friend will be back in my life. Either way, I'm truly grateful for the possibilities that he has shown of who I can be. I pledge to continue that growth and letting people in that can make me a better being. Its a horribly. painful life lesson, but I, at least, will not let it be in vain.
Well stated. I also have a similar problem. My motive is somewhat different, though. I always assume people will hurt me and let me down at some point so I have learned to count on myself and a small handful of people. I'm still of the mind that if I want something done to my specifications, I have to do it myself. If I choose not to do it myself and task (or ask) someone else to do it, then I have to mentally prepare myself for that task to possibly be lacking in some area. Why the need for mental preparation? So I don't complain about it. I almost always do better working by myself than working in a team. That being said, there are times that working with others is the only way to go and times when relying on others is the only way you make it through. I'm thankful for every experience I've had in my life, good and bad, because those experiences have made me what I am today. I know it's the same for all of us. We live. We learn. We do better next time. I'm sure you and your friend will reconcile at some point. He sounds like a pretty good person.
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